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Thursday, June 02, 2005

Marriage rights? Wrong!

Now that the Runaway Bride has gotten off with probation, this leaves open the horrifying possibility that the wedding might still take place. I don't normally go in for gender politics, but it's the exceptions that prove the rule. And so: before the judicial decree is formally entered by the court, I call on the judge to add this rider: If fiance John Mason elects to take any concrete steps toward actually marrying Jennifer Wilmot, this will be considered a crime against male sanity, subject to ... banishment. The specifics will have to be worked out, but clearly he'll have to go away — very far away, for a very long time. If banishment's too extreme, I'm willing to be flexible. Make him be a guest on Nancy Grace. Force him to sit and listen to Nancy drone, shriek, and pontificate for the entire hour. How will that be different from her other guests? Fair point. And then there's the whole "cruel and unusual punishment" thing. Look, I didn't say I've figured out all the details — just trying to save the Bride's boyfriend a lifetime of sorrow. Andrea Dworkin had the right idea — it's possible for genders to collectively suffer. She just had the wrong gender. There's one thing John Mason can do to make this intervention unnecessary — run for his life. Brotherhood is powerful. You go, boyfriend.